The Church of JC Capitalist
Our focus groups tell us to target very anxious people with weak egos who are desperate for certainty. So this church will be very authoritarian, telling our members exactly what to think and do.
Here is an important announcement
We’ve decided to found a church on this website, because we believe that even if we save just one solitary soul from eternal torment, then the founding of this church will have been worthwhile—especially as it gives us huge tax advantages.
Now, we’re going to call ourselves the Church of JC Capitalist because here in the United States of America, Christian teaching is of course the cornerstone of the capitalist system, televangelists in particular setting a fine example to us all in the accumulation of great personal wealth and illustrating the worldly rewards that real faith can bring us if we are truly humble—and have good marketing skills.
Now, people have said to me quite critically that Christ spoke a lot about the poor. So, what is our church doing about the poor? Well, as Christ himself so rightly said, “Blessed are the poor.” So, they’re all right. They will get their reward in heaven. No need to worry about that.
Now, the church of JC Capitalist is founded on two sacred principles:
- Our focus groups tell us to target very anxious people with weak egos who are desperate for certainty. So this church will be very authoritarian, telling our members exactly what to think and do. And we guarantee to make them positively glow with self-confidence, because anyone at all who disagrees with us will go to hell and be tortured with red-hot pointy things for ever and ever. Amen.
- And the second principle is morals are only about sex.
So, send money now. Inquire about different levels of membership. And remember, a one-time gift of $10,000 guarantees you entry into heaven with one special guest of your own choice plus a beautiful framed certificate to that effect signed by me. Join now!